Breathing in

Well, where do I start? How about with the question, why?

Why bother writing a blog? Just what the internet needs, another blog from someone pontificating on their life, sharing their daily activities.

Well, in reality, I think this is more about what I’m trying to find for myself, and less about what I’m trying to provide. I’ve come to realize that I’ve been lost for a while now, in the dark, and not sure where I’m heading. I’m hoping to illuminate things a bit, and find some sort of path that leads me out of this roundabout that I find myself in now.

For the first half of my life the path I followed was obvious, there was no other way to go. I went to school, I lived life, and things were as they were. But along the way, that path that was once so clear, became difficult to find. It downright disappeared once I went to University.

Making the choice of what I should study was the first time in my life that I had to choose where I was going. It was the first time things weren’t automatically laid out for me. So, in an effort to keep up with everyone else that seemed to have chosen their path years before, I chose a random path hoping that it would lead somewhere productive. It certainly delayed things for a while, but it didn’t clear anything up for me. Instead the end of university led me into darkness, and I found myself with no path at all. Now here I sit, in the dark, with no where to go, no clear path.

There are inevitable questions that people ask you during small talk, when you meet up on the street, or find yourselves standing next to each other at a party… How’s work? How’s marriage? How’s your life? The answer, from me at least, is always “Fine, I’m just living life, nothing exciting, waiting for the next big thing to come along”.

But over the years, after wallowing in this darkness, I’ve slowly come to realize that there is no clear path anymore. I’ve been waiting in vain for it to magically appear, and so far, nothing has happened. I have to make my own way and determine where I end up. This waiting around that I’ve been doing, expecting someone else to come along and show me the way — so far, it hasn’t been very successful.

So, in short, I’m writing this blog because I’ve realized that I need to pick myself up and find some light, find a path that at least leads somewhere, even if it’s into a maze and I have to double back or take a few wrong turns. After all, isn’t that what makes things interesting? No one is going to come find me and point me in the right direction. There are no more prefabricated paths, no more sign posts telling me where I should be, and when I should be there. It’s time to stand up and lead my own way.

On a smaller, less profound level, I’ve decided a blog would be a good outlet to encourage myself to write again. The only writing I’ve been doing is journaling on and off. But it’s mostly been focused on the negative parts of my mind and my sorrows of late. I used to write all the time, but things just sort of dried up and I couldn’t be bothered to keep up with my old self. So, hopefully this will be a way to express more positive, constructive thoughts, and to tap into my forgotten creative side.

And finally, I thought I’d share my inner workings with you, whoever you may be, reading this thing (if you are there? hello?)… I’ve been told by various people along the way that I seem mysterious because they feel like they don’t know me, they can’t pinpoint what might be going on inside my head. This has come from people I didn’t know so well, and from people that I thought knew me inside out. I guess I was wrong, I’ve been too guarded. So here I am, with my thoughts exposed, so you can get to know me. I hope I don’t disappoint…

I can’t promise anything too exciting, my life isn’t terribly fast-paced. But I have a lot of aspirations right now to change that, so hopefully we’ll make it through all of them, together.

And here goes, I have a blog…